shortireads

I love you less and less by the day and it’s killing me.

How can you stop falling out of love? Feels like I’m sitting at the wheel but can’t steer the car heading straight for the wall. I keep typing on my notes some scrambled thoughts knowing I’ll have to tell you soon. I’m just tired of translating my soul. I want you to get me and you just can’t.

You don’t notice that I smile less now? That I hang up sooner? That I have to swallow before saying I love you? Really I’m trying to swallow the gulp of guilt that has taken permanent residence between my throat and the top of my stomach. I can’t stand when we kiss. I can taste your love, can you can taste the betrayal lingering on my tongue?

I miss having to care only for myself. I’m just that selfish that I only want to think of me, my problems, my life, my emotions, my looks. I don’t want to share my thoughts, nor my ideas and more importantly, my time. Everyone just tells me to communicate, talk to him, share your feelings. But I like to have secrets, I enjoy having a relationship with myself that is just my own and doesn’t have to got through the humiliating and frankly appalling process of being put into words like it’s a banal, mundane experience, like it’s something I can blurt out on a Tuesday evening.
I have a love story with myself that would make Romeo and Juliet pathetically blush. Nothing gives me more pleasure than not communicating with others, knowing I’m holding something back gives me power, makes me better than the person in front of me. I have a fourth, fifth, sixth, infinite dimensions that thicken my being, that make me who I am. When I look at him, he feels like a sketch of a person on a piece of paper, hopelessly ignorant of his 2Dness. How can you not know you’re flat? How perfect yet heartbreaking must be to live without wanting to be real.

You know when Gregor Samsa just turned into a bug on a random morning? Might as well be me. How did Kafka know exactly how it felt that day to wake up in my bed and be out of love? Where has it gone I wonder. Just disappeared into thin air. Naturally one has to ask if it was even there to begin with. He’s holding hands with a beetle and he’s yet to notice.